I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
