Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
