I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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