he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
