i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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