I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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