bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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