I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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