dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She's the barista slut.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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