I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize