I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I puked a lego.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Let's get the cat blown out
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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