He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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