I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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