Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize