My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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