Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
