I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The feeling are messing with the penis
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize