I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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