I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
