Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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