i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize