Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize