she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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