Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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