He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
