the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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