I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
