Kiss
Puke
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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