His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
