shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
