I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
