We're facebook friends in real life
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
