it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
