apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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