I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
