I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
