In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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