I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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