turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
