I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize