How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
