at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
