I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
