My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
