I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
