My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think my fart just growled at me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
