Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm bleeding and have questions
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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