pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
