You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
