I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
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