Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
