She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
