there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
