booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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