she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
