A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
