u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
