Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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